Release Day

R. will be released from the correctional facility this evening at 7:30 p.m.  My husband plans to pick him up then take him to a local restaurant for a good, hot meal.  It's been over two months since R. has eaten a good meal.  He has mainly sustained himself on ramen noodles since his incarceration.  I will be working much of the weekend so my encounters with him will be brief until I get some time off next week.

I am ready to see my son, to embrace him once again and gaze upon the familiar face of the young man I remember before addiction took the reigns of his life.  He will be clean and straight when he is released today.  He will be happy and jubilant about his regained freedom and the opportunity to see his loved ones again.  He will be smiling and talkative.  He will discuss plans to get his life back in order and how he is going to succeed this time.  I will feel a sense of hope return as he talks about his plans.  We've been down this road before and I'm so familiar with the scene.   

To be honest, I'm scared to death.  R. will have a lot of obstacles to face when he is released.  A return to the old, familiar circumstances here at home is certainly far from beneficial to his future sobriety.  He will have encounters with people who, in the past, have provided access to narcotics- his own sister and an aunt (my sister), to begin with.  I have talked with each of them and expressed my concern.  I've requested that they avoid any future assistance or "drug connections" for my son.  

There's also the situation with R.'s previous girlfriend.  Their relationship was never stable, but rather an ongoing cycle of break-ups and make-ups.  They have maintained contact by mail since his incarceration and  he will certainly want to spend time with her when he is released.  The stress in the relationship has been so negative for his emotional well-being and has often produced "triggers" for him to use.  He immediately becomes defensive of her and puts up a wall when one tries to discuss the situation with him.  I feel grateful that there are no children involved in their relationship (other than her own children from a previous marriage).

I am feeling all these mixed emotions right now- a whirl of anticipation blended in apprehension.  R. is probably feeling the same way as he spends the last night tossing and turning on his thin, hard cot mattress behind cold steel bars.  What will his freedom bring?  For my son, true freedom will only come with sobriety.

30 Years Ago Today....

Thirty years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  Words can not express the joy within my soul when I held him for the first time.  Knowing that he would be my last child, I savored the moments as I watched him grow.  R. was a happy child, full of life and laughter and always seeking new adventures.  He loved the outdoors and became an avid hunter.  He enjoyed sports and played youth baseball for 7 years.  He enjoyed playing drums and was a member of the local school band for 7 years.  I could go on and on about the joy and pleasure of raising this boy who stole my heart.  For the first eighteen years of his life, he seemed content most of the time.  Like any other typical boy, he sometimes found trouble, but nothing that couldn't be handled with a little parental discipline or guidance.

Today, my son will spend his 30th birthday incarcerated.  There will be no birthday gathering to help him celebrate what many adults consider a "milestone" in their lives.  Today, I will not see my son.  I will not be able to hug him and say "Happy Birthday, Son!".  

Still, today I will CELEBRATE his life and the many cherished memories of yesteryear.  I will feel grateful for the life that breathes through his being, knowing that because of his destructive choices, he could be lying in a cold grave, absent of even an ounce of hope for his future.  As I go through my usual routine, I will remember him often today, and pray for him.  I will pray that hope finds him and peace restores him.  I will pray that his future birthdays are filled with joyful moments and cherished memories.

I will also pray for myself, for strength and guidance in the days ahead when he regains his freedom, for further wisdom and understanding of the disease of addiction, and for resilience when I am faced with feelings of guilt and doubt.  I will pray for hope to sustain its presence within me, especially on those days when doubt seeks to devour me.  

I will pray for our family and others who love R. so very much.   Like me, they want their loved one back.

I love you, my dear son!  My thoughts are with you today...

Suboxone- An Appropriate Alternative for Him?

I received a letter from my son a few days ago.  He wrote:

Dear Mom & Dad,

Thanks for coming and seeing me.  Felt good to see ya'll.  Got your letter Mom.  I am feeling a lot better.  I was so exhausted out there trying to keep from being sick and from running around feeding my addiction.  Its such a mean and wreckless, endless, vicious cycle and I am very done with it.  But ask yourself this Mom, how do I control this when I hurt so bad in my back?  I know in order for me to live a full life and work and be able to be self reliant I must deal with my pain.  It's what has drove me back to the drugs time and time again.  I can go thru the detox and not even want the drugs MENTALLY but PHYSICALLY I can't even get up and move around and it hurts so bad.  So what am I supposed to do?  I don't want to abuse anything anymore Mom.  I need help controlling this out there in the real world.  I don't need to be able to have FULL access to medicine that I'm prescribed.  I need your help Mom.  It has ruined my life and I am losing everything.  What did I do to deserve this physical pain?!  To have to deal with it and feel it and have it affect my whole damn life?!  I'm not that bad of a person, am I Mom?  What is God punishing me for?!  I don't know anymore.  I yearn for my life to be normal.  I think I need to get back on Suboxone, Mom.  It will help me with my pain and keep me from abusing any other pain medication.  It helped me so much in the past.  I just didn't want to give up the roxi's for Suboxone but I am ready.  Mom if you care ANYTHING about my sobriety and me getting out and doing good I am begging you to call Dr. ----- and set me up an appt for the week I get out.  Suboxone will destroy my cravings, help with the physical pain and neglect other meds from working and keeps you from getting high.  My addiction is a disease Mom and I'm sick of it.  It has to be under control and I know Suboxone will help.  I am scared of getting out but I know I can do this the right way.   I will be turning 30 in jail!  I am done with that life!  Like I said I am lucky I have only to do 70 days and not a few years cause of the things the addiction has made me do.  It changed me into someone I'm not. It has taken everything from me and I'm ready to take my life back and get this all under control.  Please help me get started at Dr. ----- and you will see how good I can do Mom.  I don't want to get messed up anymore.  I want to go to college and get a career.  It's not too late for me and I just need your help this last time.  Thanks for all that ya'll have done.  I love ya'll so much.  I am very grateful to have ya'll as my parents. I am so sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt ya'll.  It's not the real me.  I am a loving caring person and I do have a heart.  I thank ya'll and love ya'll so much.  

Your son, R.

R. was on a Suboxone plan several years ago and it worked, for about two months, until he relapsed and began doing narcotics again.  At the time he went on the Suboxone plan, he was actively withdrawing from narcotics.  This time it is different.  He will have been incarcerated for over two months when he gets out of jail in a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure that the Suboxone plan is what he needs at present.

R. complains of pain due to injuries sustained in 2008 when he was "run over" by his girlfriend's car.  She was the driver.  They were both intoxicated and had been arguing.  R. was outside the vehicle and was thrown to the ground when his girlfriend accelerated the car then suddenly braked.  She then ran over R.'s legs.  He had large contusions in his upper thighs but fortunately no broken bones.  Over the course of a few months, R. began hurting in his back and, after further tests, was diagnosed with two injured discs.   Thus began his journey with prescribed narcotics.  He had back surgery in 2010 during which one of his discs were removed and another one shaved.  The physician told me that R. had a couple more "weakened" discs which may later require further surgery.  Before R.'s surgery, he often went to the local ER's for uncontrolled pain and was given either Demerol or Toradol injections.  Since his surgery, he has been under a pain management program and has been maintained on monthly prescriptions for Roxicodone and Valium (he started out with Lortab and Soma but was eventually changed to Roxicodone and Valium).

R. had poor control over his use of Roxicodone.  Each month it was the same routine- he would get his meds, sell some of them for extra cash (or pay back those he owed) and abuse the remainder.  After three to five days of staying in a dope-intoxicated state, R. was out of pain medication.  The remainder of the month he scouted for more pain and anxiety meds.  He would do what he had to do to get his fix, including lying, stealing and manipulating.

But R.'s problems with narcotic addiction began long before his back injury.  His drug abuse began when he was probably about 18 years old, in his last year of high school, which was 12 years ago.  He has experimented with many, many recreational drugs and was at one time addicted to crack cocaine.  It has been a hellish roller coaster through the years, for him and for those who love him.

Back to the Suboxone- I feel the need to speak with a prescribing physician or someone experienced to gather advice about whether it would be in R.'s best interest to begin the regimen again.  Suboxone in itself is addictive and often difficult to quit.  Combining Suboxone with other medications can be fatal, and that is a huge concern.  Another concern is the cost of Suboxone- it isn't cheap.  R. does not have health insurance nor a job.

Right now I'm trying to muddle through my thoughts and feelings about all this.  R. will be released from jail soon.  I have missed him and I long to see him, yet I'm apprehensive about what is going to transpire after he is over the initial excitement of being back home.  I am praying for strength and guidance in the days ahead.

Letter to My Son

After returning home from jail visitation with my son yesterday, I sat down and wrote him a letter.  I needed to put my thoughts on paper...

Dear R.,

It felt good to see you today- to see your authentic smile, your face absent of dark circles under your eyes, your hair groomed and cut. Yea, you look good right now, a big improvement over your appearance when you went in.

I have certainly missed you. My heart has longed for you to be at home while my head has argued that you needed this time away to reflect upon your situation and many other things.  

The relationship between you and I probably hit an all-time low before you went to jail this time.  Partly because the hope that I carried for you returning to any “normalcy” in your life was crushed when you quit your job, then from there, all went downhill.  If only you could understand what my thoughts are.  Your Dad and I are getting older and time for us is running out.   You will not inherit a fortune upon our deaths to live on after we’re gone.  We want to see you become self-reliant.  We want to know that you can take care of yourself when we are no longer here.  That is every parents wish- to see their children sprout their own wings and live their own lives.  We are no different.  I wish to see you assume responsibility for yourself R.  You have to.  No one will do it for you.  I would be just as proud of you whether you made 8.00 an hour or 30.00 an hour, as long as you’re making an honest living, and most of all, trying.  I feel so angry sometimes when I see you wasting away, knowing what you are capable of.  You have a brilliant mind and a load of common sense, but you are allowing it to go to waste.  For years, I held hope- hope that someday you would realize these things, someday you would make up your mind to follow your dreams and stand firm in attaining your goals.  But each time you slide back down that dark hole to hell (addiction), a little bit of my hope goes along with you, and now, there’s barely any hope left.  

Your Dad and I are tired of playing games with you.  We are emotionally exhausted from trying to cope with your addiction and its vicious cycle.  It has wreaked havoc on you, us and everyone else who loves you.  Addiction cares about nothing or no one.  We will NOT do it anymore.  I will always love you.  But unless you make the necessary effort to change your lifestyle, I will love you from a distance.  I would much rather have you in my life but it is ultimately up to you.  

I hope that you are thinking about these things right now.  I hope that you are making plans that include how you’re going to deal with certain situations when you are released.  

I love you, always.  MOM

I mailed the letter yesterday evening.

Second Visitation with My Son

Today I went for my second visitation with my son, who remains in jail.  Like the last time I saw him, he appeared well groomed and clean.  By clean, I mean his skin looked clear and the dark circles under his eyes are now gone.  He smiled today- a big, authentic smile that reminded me of the person he is when addiction doesn’t consume his life.  I love his smile, when it is genuine, and today it was.  We just shared some general chit-chat about our loved ones and recent events in the family.  He talked about life in jail to an extent- the food is horrible so he eats ramen noodles frequently, smoking privileges have been banned, and how the security officers generally ignore all of his questions.   I reminded him that he is a prisoner; therefore he is treated as such. 

Because we have to “shout” to hear each other over all the other visitors present, we didn’t get into the discussion of his plans when he is released.  At present, I know of two transitional or halfway houses here and the fees are steep, more than we can afford.   I’m unsure what to do at this point.  It is something I’m going to have to think extensively about.  I feel apprehensive about him returning to live in our home because I fear he will relapse and we will be once again face all the stress placed on us time and again in the past. 

I’m too tired to go into further details right now.  I need to get some rest and think on it a while….

A Break From The Usual Chaos

...a prayer often repeated

There has been peace in our household for several weeks now.  Stress levels are at an all-time low, a peaceful quiet has settled in and much of the usual clutter in the living room has dissipated.  We desperately needed this stretch of serenity, a break from the usual chaos here.  

Our addicted son has been in jail since the first week of August, thus explaining the reason for the presence of peace in our household.  He was taken to jail for charges on disturbing the peace of a family and has been held there for failure to pay old fines.  According to the judge, he will be released on or about October 12th, as his fines will be settled by that date.  By then, he will have been in jail about 2 and ½ months, longer than any previous incarcerations.  

I have had no contact with our son other than one time when I visited him for about ten minutes. When I first laid eyes on him during jail visitation, I was reminded of how my son looked before addiction- clean- cut and handsome.  Just a few weeks prior, he had become scruffy and unkempt, which was his usual pattern during a downward spiral.   I thought to myself how sad it is that my son’s physical appearance has actually improved as an inmate.  That’s just not normal.  But, neither is addiction.

I miss him.  I miss talking to him, hearing his voice, seeing his face.  Yes, I miss my son, but I don’t miss the tremendous strain placed on everyone in our household because of his careless and destructive behavior.

  

During the time our son has been incarcerated, my husband and I have discussed some of our past mistakes in handling his addiction and our present options.  We need to seriously decide together how we are going to handle the situation once he is released from jail.  It would be beneficial for our son and for us if he could enter a halfway house upon release from jail.  That is just one of the options we are considering, if it is available in our area or nearby.  

Right now I only know that we cannot go back to where we were before he was recently incarcerated.  I don’t think the pieces of our remaining sanity or marriage could handle it.  Praying for guidance…

A Journal of Expression

I created this blog to journal my thoughts, feelings and lessons about abuse, addiction, co-dependency and recovery.  At this moment, I'm unsure which direction this blog will take me.  Time will tell.  For now, I'll take it one post at a time.