Release Day

R. will be released from the correctional facility this evening at 7:30 p.m.  My husband plans to pick him up then take him to a local restaurant for a good, hot meal.  It's been over two months since R. has eaten a good meal.  He has mainly sustained himself on ramen noodles since his incarceration.  I will be working much of the weekend so my encounters with him will be brief until I get some time off next week.

I am ready to see my son, to embrace him once again and gaze upon the familiar face of the young man I remember before addiction took the reigns of his life.  He will be clean and straight when he is released today.  He will be happy and jubilant about his regained freedom and the opportunity to see his loved ones again.  He will be smiling and talkative.  He will discuss plans to get his life back in order and how he is going to succeed this time.  I will feel a sense of hope return as he talks about his plans.  We've been down this road before and I'm so familiar with the scene.   

To be honest, I'm scared to death.  R. will have a lot of obstacles to face when he is released.  A return to the old, familiar circumstances here at home is certainly far from beneficial to his future sobriety.  He will have encounters with people who, in the past, have provided access to narcotics- his own sister and an aunt (my sister), to begin with.  I have talked with each of them and expressed my concern.  I've requested that they avoid any future assistance or "drug connections" for my son.  

There's also the situation with R.'s previous girlfriend.  Their relationship was never stable, but rather an ongoing cycle of break-ups and make-ups.  They have maintained contact by mail since his incarceration and  he will certainly want to spend time with her when he is released.  The stress in the relationship has been so negative for his emotional well-being and has often produced "triggers" for him to use.  He immediately becomes defensive of her and puts up a wall when one tries to discuss the situation with him.  I feel grateful that there are no children involved in their relationship (other than her own children from a previous marriage).

I am feeling all these mixed emotions right now- a whirl of anticipation blended in apprehension.  R. is probably feeling the same way as he spends the last night tossing and turning on his thin, hard cot mattress behind cold steel bars.  What will his freedom bring?  For my son, true freedom will only come with sobriety.

30 Years Ago Today....

Thirty years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  Words can not express the joy within my soul when I held him for the first time.  Knowing that he would be my last child, I savored the moments as I watched him grow.  R. was a happy child, full of life and laughter and always seeking new adventures.  He loved the outdoors and became an avid hunter.  He enjoyed sports and played youth baseball for 7 years.  He enjoyed playing drums and was a member of the local school band for 7 years.  I could go on and on about the joy and pleasure of raising this boy who stole my heart.  For the first eighteen years of his life, he seemed content most of the time.  Like any other typical boy, he sometimes found trouble, but nothing that couldn't be handled with a little parental discipline or guidance.

Today, my son will spend his 30th birthday incarcerated.  There will be no birthday gathering to help him celebrate what many adults consider a "milestone" in their lives.  Today, I will not see my son.  I will not be able to hug him and say "Happy Birthday, Son!".  

Still, today I will CELEBRATE his life and the many cherished memories of yesteryear.  I will feel grateful for the life that breathes through his being, knowing that because of his destructive choices, he could be lying in a cold grave, absent of even an ounce of hope for his future.  As I go through my usual routine, I will remember him often today, and pray for him.  I will pray that hope finds him and peace restores him.  I will pray that his future birthdays are filled with joyful moments and cherished memories.

I will also pray for myself, for strength and guidance in the days ahead when he regains his freedom, for further wisdom and understanding of the disease of addiction, and for resilience when I am faced with feelings of guilt and doubt.  I will pray for hope to sustain its presence within me, especially on those days when doubt seeks to devour me.  

I will pray for our family and others who love R. so very much.   Like me, they want their loved one back.

I love you, my dear son!  My thoughts are with you today...

Suboxone- An Appropriate Alternative for Him?

I received a letter from my son a few days ago.  He wrote:

Dear Mom & Dad,

Thanks for coming and seeing me.  Felt good to see ya'll.  Got your letter Mom.  I am feeling a lot better.  I was so exhausted out there trying to keep from being sick and from running around feeding my addiction.  Its such a mean and wreckless, endless, vicious cycle and I am very done with it.  But ask yourself this Mom, how do I control this when I hurt so bad in my back?  I know in order for me to live a full life and work and be able to be self reliant I must deal with my pain.  It's what has drove me back to the drugs time and time again.  I can go thru the detox and not even want the drugs MENTALLY but PHYSICALLY I can't even get up and move around and it hurts so bad.  So what am I supposed to do?  I don't want to abuse anything anymore Mom.  I need help controlling this out there in the real world.  I don't need to be able to have FULL access to medicine that I'm prescribed.  I need your help Mom.  It has ruined my life and I am losing everything.  What did I do to deserve this physical pain?!  To have to deal with it and feel it and have it affect my whole damn life?!  I'm not that bad of a person, am I Mom?  What is God punishing me for?!  I don't know anymore.  I yearn for my life to be normal.  I think I need to get back on Suboxone, Mom.  It will help me with my pain and keep me from abusing any other pain medication.  It helped me so much in the past.  I just didn't want to give up the roxi's for Suboxone but I am ready.  Mom if you care ANYTHING about my sobriety and me getting out and doing good I am begging you to call Dr. ----- and set me up an appt for the week I get out.  Suboxone will destroy my cravings, help with the physical pain and neglect other meds from working and keeps you from getting high.  My addiction is a disease Mom and I'm sick of it.  It has to be under control and I know Suboxone will help.  I am scared of getting out but I know I can do this the right way.   I will be turning 30 in jail!  I am done with that life!  Like I said I am lucky I have only to do 70 days and not a few years cause of the things the addiction has made me do.  It changed me into someone I'm not. It has taken everything from me and I'm ready to take my life back and get this all under control.  Please help me get started at Dr. ----- and you will see how good I can do Mom.  I don't want to get messed up anymore.  I want to go to college and get a career.  It's not too late for me and I just need your help this last time.  Thanks for all that ya'll have done.  I love ya'll so much.  I am very grateful to have ya'll as my parents. I am so sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt ya'll.  It's not the real me.  I am a loving caring person and I do have a heart.  I thank ya'll and love ya'll so much.  

Your son, R.

R. was on a Suboxone plan several years ago and it worked, for about two months, until he relapsed and began doing narcotics again.  At the time he went on the Suboxone plan, he was actively withdrawing from narcotics.  This time it is different.  He will have been incarcerated for over two months when he gets out of jail in a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure that the Suboxone plan is what he needs at present.

R. complains of pain due to injuries sustained in 2008 when he was "run over" by his girlfriend's car.  She was the driver.  They were both intoxicated and had been arguing.  R. was outside the vehicle and was thrown to the ground when his girlfriend accelerated the car then suddenly braked.  She then ran over R.'s legs.  He had large contusions in his upper thighs but fortunately no broken bones.  Over the course of a few months, R. began hurting in his back and, after further tests, was diagnosed with two injured discs.   Thus began his journey with prescribed narcotics.  He had back surgery in 2010 during which one of his discs were removed and another one shaved.  The physician told me that R. had a couple more "weakened" discs which may later require further surgery.  Before R.'s surgery, he often went to the local ER's for uncontrolled pain and was given either Demerol or Toradol injections.  Since his surgery, he has been under a pain management program and has been maintained on monthly prescriptions for Roxicodone and Valium (he started out with Lortab and Soma but was eventually changed to Roxicodone and Valium).

R. had poor control over his use of Roxicodone.  Each month it was the same routine- he would get his meds, sell some of them for extra cash (or pay back those he owed) and abuse the remainder.  After three to five days of staying in a dope-intoxicated state, R. was out of pain medication.  The remainder of the month he scouted for more pain and anxiety meds.  He would do what he had to do to get his fix, including lying, stealing and manipulating.

But R.'s problems with narcotic addiction began long before his back injury.  His drug abuse began when he was probably about 18 years old, in his last year of high school, which was 12 years ago.  He has experimented with many, many recreational drugs and was at one time addicted to crack cocaine.  It has been a hellish roller coaster through the years, for him and for those who love him.

Back to the Suboxone- I feel the need to speak with a prescribing physician or someone experienced to gather advice about whether it would be in R.'s best interest to begin the regimen again.  Suboxone in itself is addictive and often difficult to quit.  Combining Suboxone with other medications can be fatal, and that is a huge concern.  Another concern is the cost of Suboxone- it isn't cheap.  R. does not have health insurance nor a job.

Right now I'm trying to muddle through my thoughts and feelings about all this.  R. will be released from jail soon.  I have missed him and I long to see him, yet I'm apprehensive about what is going to transpire after he is over the initial excitement of being back home.  I am praying for strength and guidance in the days ahead.