Letter to My Son

After returning home from jail visitation with my son yesterday, I sat down and wrote him a letter.  I needed to put my thoughts on paper...

Dear R.,

It felt good to see you today- to see your authentic smile, your face absent of dark circles under your eyes, your hair groomed and cut. Yea, you look good right now, a big improvement over your appearance when you went in.

I have certainly missed you. My heart has longed for you to be at home while my head has argued that you needed this time away to reflect upon your situation and many other things.  

The relationship between you and I probably hit an all-time low before you went to jail this time.  Partly because the hope that I carried for you returning to any “normalcy” in your life was crushed when you quit your job, then from there, all went downhill.  If only you could understand what my thoughts are.  Your Dad and I are getting older and time for us is running out.   You will not inherit a fortune upon our deaths to live on after we’re gone.  We want to see you become self-reliant.  We want to know that you can take care of yourself when we are no longer here.  That is every parents wish- to see their children sprout their own wings and live their own lives.  We are no different.  I wish to see you assume responsibility for yourself R.  You have to.  No one will do it for you.  I would be just as proud of you whether you made 8.00 an hour or 30.00 an hour, as long as you’re making an honest living, and most of all, trying.  I feel so angry sometimes when I see you wasting away, knowing what you are capable of.  You have a brilliant mind and a load of common sense, but you are allowing it to go to waste.  For years, I held hope- hope that someday you would realize these things, someday you would make up your mind to follow your dreams and stand firm in attaining your goals.  But each time you slide back down that dark hole to hell (addiction), a little bit of my hope goes along with you, and now, there’s barely any hope left.  

Your Dad and I are tired of playing games with you.  We are emotionally exhausted from trying to cope with your addiction and its vicious cycle.  It has wreaked havoc on you, us and everyone else who loves you.  Addiction cares about nothing or no one.  We will NOT do it anymore.  I will always love you.  But unless you make the necessary effort to change your lifestyle, I will love you from a distance.  I would much rather have you in my life but it is ultimately up to you.  

I hope that you are thinking about these things right now.  I hope that you are making plans that include how you’re going to deal with certain situations when you are released.  

I love you, always.  MOM

I mailed the letter yesterday evening.

Second Visitation with My Son

Today I went for my second visitation with my son, who remains in jail.  Like the last time I saw him, he appeared well groomed and clean.  By clean, I mean his skin looked clear and the dark circles under his eyes are now gone.  He smiled today- a big, authentic smile that reminded me of the person he is when addiction doesn’t consume his life.  I love his smile, when it is genuine, and today it was.  We just shared some general chit-chat about our loved ones and recent events in the family.  He talked about life in jail to an extent- the food is horrible so he eats ramen noodles frequently, smoking privileges have been banned, and how the security officers generally ignore all of his questions.   I reminded him that he is a prisoner; therefore he is treated as such. 

Because we have to “shout” to hear each other over all the other visitors present, we didn’t get into the discussion of his plans when he is released.  At present, I know of two transitional or halfway houses here and the fees are steep, more than we can afford.   I’m unsure what to do at this point.  It is something I’m going to have to think extensively about.  I feel apprehensive about him returning to live in our home because I fear he will relapse and we will be once again face all the stress placed on us time and again in the past. 

I’m too tired to go into further details right now.  I need to get some rest and think on it a while….

A Break From The Usual Chaos

...a prayer often repeated

There has been peace in our household for several weeks now.  Stress levels are at an all-time low, a peaceful quiet has settled in and much of the usual clutter in the living room has dissipated.  We desperately needed this stretch of serenity, a break from the usual chaos here.  

Our addicted son has been in jail since the first week of August, thus explaining the reason for the presence of peace in our household.  He was taken to jail for charges on disturbing the peace of a family and has been held there for failure to pay old fines.  According to the judge, he will be released on or about October 12th, as his fines will be settled by that date.  By then, he will have been in jail about 2 and ½ months, longer than any previous incarcerations.  

I have had no contact with our son other than one time when I visited him for about ten minutes. When I first laid eyes on him during jail visitation, I was reminded of how my son looked before addiction- clean- cut and handsome.  Just a few weeks prior, he had become scruffy and unkempt, which was his usual pattern during a downward spiral.   I thought to myself how sad it is that my son’s physical appearance has actually improved as an inmate.  That’s just not normal.  But, neither is addiction.

I miss him.  I miss talking to him, hearing his voice, seeing his face.  Yes, I miss my son, but I don’t miss the tremendous strain placed on everyone in our household because of his careless and destructive behavior.

  

During the time our son has been incarcerated, my husband and I have discussed some of our past mistakes in handling his addiction and our present options.  We need to seriously decide together how we are going to handle the situation once he is released from jail.  It would be beneficial for our son and for us if he could enter a halfway house upon release from jail.  That is just one of the options we are considering, if it is available in our area or nearby.  

Right now I only know that we cannot go back to where we were before he was recently incarcerated.  I don’t think the pieces of our remaining sanity or marriage could handle it.  Praying for guidance…

A Journal of Expression

I created this blog to journal my thoughts, feelings and lessons about abuse, addiction, co-dependency and recovery.  At this moment, I'm unsure which direction this blog will take me.  Time will tell.  For now, I'll take it one post at a time.